Monday, January 28, 2008
collapse.
A little bit on my life today.
Very busy.
Keep forgetting to reply messages. ( Sorry, Jas! )
Had a little breakfast with my family this morning,
then rushed out to Sim Lim Square.
Most poisonous place ever.
It's poisoning me to get my new computer.
The prices there are not bad,
but you gotta know your stuff,
because the retailers there are out to rip you off.
Was there with a few of my friends,
2 of whom bought a new computer,
and another bought a
Playstation 3.
Oh my gawd.
I couldn't buy one now because of a certain somebody, but let's skip the painful part.
Anyhow, for all that happened and all the shopping,
the poisoning, the withdrawal symptoms.
I returned empty handed.
It was like I was on drugs, spasms.
The stupidest thing that happened today was,
whilst I was at the shop,
their office phone rang.
No big deal, right?
Right.
The problem was, the ringtone was the same as my office phone.
So I kind of freaked out.
Literally.
I was like, OMFGWTFBBQH4X HELLO HAWK COY OFFICE.
Yeah.
And when I left my contacts for the salesperson to contact me,
I almost wrote down my NRIC, rank, and name.
LOL. WTF.
SAF is the true poison.
1337.
stranded
you and I both
forgotten
our footprints washed away
perhaps
the rain won't stop nowperhaps
time won't forget us now
of autumns, and epilogues
I'd love to stop this pretence.
12:21 AM; `dead.Y
12:03 AM; `dead.Y
Saturday, January 26, 2008
9:30 PM; `dead.Y
Suicide.
My friend wrote a suicide note this week.
Rather convincing.
I was like, OMG WHERE ARE YOU.
The after-effects were rather funny.
Nevertheless, it has inspired me to do the same.
See how it'd turn out.
Who knows, maybe I'll persuade myself to die.
Just kidding.
I never thought I would do this. I always thought that committing suicide was a rather stupid idea. But it doesn't matter now, because it'd end all this pain. Nevertheless, if you're reading this, it probably means that I'm dead, which is good. At least I don't have to deal with all the pain now. I don't have to hide under the blanket, and wet my pillow in secret. I don't have to deal with countless, sleepless nights. I don't have to miss you, I don't have to think about you. I don't have to feel that I belong to nowhere. I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to say it didn't hurt when it did. I don't have to say it didn't matter when it did. I don't have to try convincing myself that you care. I don't have to act nonchalant. I don't have to act like I hate you. I don't have to live 3 years ago. I don't have to cling to the past. I don't have to be the exception. I don't have to think fairy tales. All it takes, is just this razor blade.
Easy, isn't it? How fragile one's life can be. Maybe it's made to be so easy, when you can't handle all this excruciation. Oh, don't you want to be loved dearly, but no one is there to love me so, not even you. I loved you so.
Sorry, this is how I bleed for you.
Sorry Mom, and Dad, this is how I repay my debt, my blood and flesh.
I'm glad it's this easy.
Because this is how I disappear.
8:26 PM; `dead.Y
`fade
amidst your laughters
the clock stops tickingoh, how tempting
as the winds silently sleep
i sit in a corner
without you
even solitude
is laughing at my plight
i see you dancing in the mistas i secretly recall your scent
a sip or two, of stale coffee
so tell me
if such beauty only occurs
in fairy tales
time sneaks by,
and steals away our past
nonchalantly
reluctantlyeven our memories let go
oh, please allow me to hold your hand
to hold the memories we once had
let's stop crying
even though the tears wouldn't stop
hold your breath
and let the rain pass
so we can see rainbowsso we can see where they end
so let's fade away
when time stops to catch its breath
the world wouldn't even know
so let's fade away
when the tears dry up
they wouldn't even know
`fadeI'd love to fade away.
7:59 PM; `dead.Y
Sunday, January 20, 2008
've been very busy these days.
Only just booked out,
because of the Mother of All Audits.
Thanks.
The last Sunday I booked in,
I slept at a time when everyone begins to wake up.
i.e. to say, about.. 0600 HRS?
About there,
then got woken up by His Majesty, the King,
at approximately 0800 HRS.
An absolutely fantastic 2 hours of sleep.
Thanks again.
Bastards.
On the brighter side,
I might be getting a new comp anytime soon.
And it's gonna be so up there, so sexy.
Sexier than my future girlfriend.
HAHAHAHAHAH.
I'll post a picture when I get it.
Here are the specs :
CPU : Intel Core 2 Duo E8500 (I'll get E8600 if possible, but I don't think they're out yet)
Motherboard : Gigabyte GA-X38-DQ6
RAM : Kingston ValueRam PC2-6400 DDR2-800 2X2GB (Might get DDR2-667 due to budget problems =x)
Storage : WD Caviar SE16 320GB (I'll skip the WD Raptor series, too expensive)
Graphics : ASUS GeForce 8800 GTS 512MB
Sound : SoundBlaster X-Fi Xtreme Gamer Fata1ity Pro Series
Monitor Samsung 223BW
Casing : NZXT HUSH
PSU : Enhance ENP-5146GH 460W
Optical Storage : Samsung 20x DVD-RWriter
Speakers : Altec Lansing FX5051
Keyboard + Mouse : Razer Tarantula , DeathAdder
That's about it.
It'll cost about 3k.
Might change due to budget problems.
HAHA.
Never mind, hope it goes well.
Oh, and, I'll skip the Quad Core.
Because the higher clock speeds cost a lot, that's one.
So that leaves the lower clock speed.
I can get higher clock speed for the same price on the Dual Cores, and I'll be gaming, so quad cores won't be as practical.
Oh My God.
I'm talking to myself about this.
BUT, WA LAN EH, SIBE GIAN LAH.
LOL.
11:32 PM; `dead.Y
because only you can see.
because i've forgotten how it feels.
because i can't see you.
because you're covered by the tears.
because only you can see.
11:29 PM; `dead.Y
`remembers
remember?
the parasol.
the fading rain.
and how we danced beneath.
remember?
the cosy corner.the silent piano.
our secret escape.
remember?
the old pastry shop.
the heart-shaped cheesecake.
yours, or mine?
remember?yellowing diaries.
broken timepieces.
our crumbling retreat.
remember?
the apple treehouse.
the colours rain washed away.
long, long ago.
remember?
the falling petals.
the try-agains.
nope, I couldn't find them.
remember?
that i said,
even if the world was kidnapped,i'd be with you.
oh,
don't you remember.
no, you don't.
`remembers.
I'd love to not remember.
10:58 PM; `dead.Y
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Tick, tock.
Flip, flop.
Dance,
my little marionette.
hush, and listen to her tears.
1:47 PM; `dead.Y
`marionettebecause the world is crumbling
so she'll sit and wait
because the winds are whispering
so she'll take a walk
because the stars are falling
so she'll close her eyesbecause the skies are crying
so she'll dance beneath
because the flowers are dying
so she'll try again
because the colours are fading
so she'll paint them back
because he starts forgetting
so she'll write them downbecause he tried to pretendso she'll keep it a secret
because he never knew
so she never said
because he never bled
so she did for him
watch her come to lifethat little marionetteher secret pining
this impossible romance
because she never had eyes to cry
and so she is guilty
because she never had hearts to break
because she is guilty
watch her come to lifethat little marionetteher secret longing
that will never be
I'd love to be your marionette.
1:08 AM; `dead.Y
Sunday, January 13, 2008
5:22 PM; `dead.Y
Saturday, January 12, 2008
stop lying.
because you've too many secrets.
've been very busy these days.
Thoroughly busy.
Tons of stress.
Too much work, too little time.
Hope we'll do well for the Audit next week.
I had to do this,
do that,
handle this,
handle that,
and on top of that, deal with the arrows flying all around.
A-R-R-O-W-S
That's what you call work in camp.
Arrow.
I've become the most accessible man in camp.
Hence the most arrow-able.
And many people think my job is easy.
Too many.
And I haven't practised my piano.
Phuck.
I think I'll be out today.
Come to think of it,
I've blogged for 8 months.
Wow.
Not that it's fascinating.
a small tinge of pain
add a pinch of memory
a teaspoon of silence
and a cup of lies
it's not too far awaydear
a step from eternity
but we broke away from here
it was.
because she is the mother of all sins.
1:19 PM; `dead.Y
1:19 PM; `dead.Y
1:21 AM; `dead.Y
Sunday, January 6, 2008
It isn't too hard,
is it.
I'll wait a while more,
it's 2019 now.
2019 only.
look at the falling snowflies
how tragic, their fleeting lives
look at the withering skies
how wondrous, its colours entice
look at the fading mist
how tranquil, its silent grief
look at the fallen leaves
how resplendent, the beauty beneath
that which
is you
who is away
to my dismay
I'd love to see the snowflies.
8:13 PM; `dead.Y
Following the publicity stint from one of my friends,
VISITORS PLEASE TAG ME IF NOT MY CBOX WILL DIE.
kthxbai.
In case you didn't know, the shoutbox is accessible by clicking the third heart.
1:44 PM; `dead.Y
Close all chats.
A very, not-my-day, day.
Very.
Hated today.
Really.
I hate my life.
Kind of.
I'm losing my freedom,
as I already have.
I'm living not for myself,
but for others,
so that I may make others happy,
but make myself sad,
because I'm really doing stuff,
I wouldn't find myself doing.
I don't know if it was supposed to be me,
but I'd rather not take the chance,
and fall for my own trap.
Because I'm stupid enough to.
Because I didn't want to keep telling myself otherwise,
because I had to stop being stupid.
Because,
I dreamt again.
hello, i said unsurely
you smiled a little shyly
slowly, the hours tick away
so memories can go astray
but i'd rather be with you
sweet summer breeze
or autumn leaves
through winter skies
with flowers of spring
because i'd rather be with you
I'd love to be with you.
1:27 AM; `dead.Y
Saturday, January 5, 2008
A plate of the usual, please.
5:22 PM; `dead.Y
3:34 PM; `dead.Y
Friday, January 4, 2008
It doesn't hurt,
really,
really,
really.
Because I'm listening to a song with the same name.
I've lost something dear to me today.
It's like losing my arms and limbs.
It always happens,
it always happened,
because it did before.
I lost many, dear to me.
But it didn't hurt as much as it did today.
It was pouring,
I was in the middle of a grass field.
It was more than pouring,
I was in the middle of a grass field,
I was running,
running so mindlessly.
I couldn't see anything.
I saw it drop,
but I couldn't see where it was.
Suddenly,
I stopped running.
And started shouting,
FUCK!
FUCK!
I shouted.
FUCK!
But the four letter word didn't help me find it.
So it was just me, and the rain.
I searched the field for an hour or so,
but to no avail.
I just couldn't find it.
Maybe, it's supposed to happen.
Maybe, I'm supposed to lose it.
Maybe, I'm supposed to try to find it.
Maybe, I'm supposed to fail trying to find it.
It's not another stupid story of mine.
Because it's true.
I lost it.
Like how I found it recently.
I mentioned finding something,
something so worn,
so tattered,
I stopped wearing it,
only to start wearing it again,
only to lose it again,
this time,
permanently.
Maybe it's what they call,
it's meant to be.
I lost something dear to me today,
so dear,
so painful,
it didn't hurt.
I read it umpteen times,
5 times,
10 times,
15 times,
20 times,
25 times,
30 times.
But neither do I.
a girl in blue
hiding in silence
how misconstrued
her false nonchalancei like you everywhere.I'd love to really say that, truthfully.
11:49 PM; `dead.Y
I checked my drafts,
and saw a girl in blue.
11:47 PM; `dead.Y
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
It took me forever to realise,
that I was appearing offline.
6:13 AM; `dead.Y
Polar opposites.
Like this.
1:15 AM; `dead.Y
I rather it more painful,
because you've been a dream.
I rather it more painful,
because I wouldn't know how to face you.
I rather it more painful,
because I haven't been able to see myself at fault.
I rather it more painful,
because it'll be less for you.
1:12 AM; `dead.Y
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Ctrl + AIt is?
It will?
Maybe.
Maybe.
I hate guessing, but I hope I'd be right this time round.
I was thinking.
Why'd people hurt themselves physically.
Because it'd give them an excuse to cry.
They'll say, "Ouch, it hurts so much."
So people won't know they cried because of something else,
so people will think that they cried because it hurts,
because there's blood,
because there's a cut.
People'd ask me when they read my blog,
did you study Literature.
I'd say, yes.
That's because everyone does in Secondary 1 & 2.
Stupid question, really.
I do use a lot of imagery, though.
You need to picture what I write,
if not there wouldn't be any meaning to it,
would it.
Looking back,
it has really been a dreamy year.
Full of stupid dreams, and thoughts.
Filled with stupid, misleading dead-ends.
I used to write stuff for people,
now I write stuff, I'd want to write for others,
for myself.
I learnt many stuffs over the course of the year.
It's not about how well you treat a person,
or how you treat her the way she likes to be treated.
It's about, being yourself.
It's not about change, it's something about you that people like.
It's not about saying stuff people like to hear,
it's about people loving what you always say.
It's not about whining, and wallowing in self-pity,
it's fighting for what you want.
It's not about showing other people your weakness,
it's about showing people your strength.
It's not about, saying what I've said above,
it's about doing them.
But I couldn't.
It is?
It will?
No.
No.
If only I was stronger.
Would you dream,
a forsaken dream?
Would you remember,
when lights still flicker?
I'd love to dream, I'd love to remember.
11:06 PM; `dead.Y
Like what everyone does.
Happy New Year.
Maybe I should include an exclamation mark.
!
5:41 PM; `dead.Y