Sunday, September 30, 2007
Maybe I'll start from here.
Ha.
Was thinking of.. playing the piano until 1 or 2.
But probably not.
I'm really, really tired.
Was out checking out some renovation stuff with my mom.
Seeing as I am moving out soon.
Saw some showcases.
They were really beautiful.
They were reallly.
Costly.
Haha.
It's amazing what interior design can do to your house.
Ah well.
Sometimes I wonder why, I give myself excuses to do stuff I want to do.
Why would a person do that?
Ah well, but I'm not oblivious.
It's okay, I'll take it slowly.
Not to hide stuff.
To be honest with myself, and how I feel.
Slowly.
To say stuff, I used to be able to say without qualms, without hesitation.
Maybe, the old, less reserved, happier me.
I don't know why I'm saying this.
Haha.
To assure myself?
To tell you this?
I don't know if you care.
Haha.
Nevermind for now.
I'll take it less seriously.
Maybe I'll feel better.
Okay.
I'll need more first steps.
Better ones.
Hmm, this is the first time a lame picture is going to find its way into this blog.
Laugh, please!
I'd love to laugh out loud.
11:25 PM; `dead.Y
Maybe I was wrong.
I lied that I don't, and won't lie.
I lied to myself that I was alright.
I lied to everyone that I was alright.
I lied to..
No, not another stupid emo, or whatever thread.
Just reflections.
I will change.
But I will continue lying.
At least, I think I now know why,
There's this nagging feeling whenever I..
I just don't have the courage to complete sentences.
Coward.
No wonder people say I keep things to myself.
I'll try.
I'll try.
I really will.
Like before.
But before that, maybe I'll need to, clarify some stuff.
I'd love to say " I didn't. "
7:49 PM; `dead.Y
12:16 PM; `dead.Y
1:15 AM; `dead.Y
Saturday, September 29, 2007
I've given it some thought.
Suicide is stupid, because I've always thought it's stupid.
I'll sort it out myself.
Until it's not worth trying.
At the very least, I don't, and won't lie.
8:56 AM; `dead.Y
Why do people do stuff, they know will hurt themselves.
Stuff, they know will drive themselves insane.
I'd love to stop hurting myself.
12:05 AM; `dead.Y
Friday, September 28, 2007
Weekends again.
Great.
It doesn't really make a big difference, does it?
Never mind.
I'd love to stop looking forward.
6:15 PM; `dead.Y
Hmm.
Was watching TV again.
Ah, the usual Korean drama.
I don't know if it actually makes me see things, or I'm really just poisoning myself.
I thought.
I thought.
I thought.
But I thought wrong.
I try to think the best out of it, but in the end it really isn't.
Thoughts are useless, no?
Actions aren't, no?
That's what someone told me before.
But there aren't any opportunities.
I don't want anything to do with this anymore.
But where is the courage?
But where is the determination?
I don't think I'll ever find any.
Therefore, I deserve this.
Every ounce of this.
I'd love to stop thinking.
12:36 PM; `dead.Y
What do I want?
What does anyone want?
Why am I getting the same answers.
What's this bullshit.
No one knows how this works.
Including me.
I'd love to stop poisoning myself.
12:31 PM; `dead.Y
?
I'd love to stop this insanity.
9:26 AM; `dead.Y
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Another day of rotting at home.
Oh well, could've been much better, but I chose otherwise.
Hmm, only like, 2 other friends visited my hospitalised friend.
Great, totally great.
Ah whatever.
I feel very discounted.
I don't know what to say.
Oh well, the usual stuff, playing games, playing piano.
The doctor's appointment went well in a sense, and bad in another.
Hmmm, was talking about Uni life with some other friends.
They looked like they're leading fulfilling lives.
Unlike me.
Argh.
I need to ask someone a question.
Ah well.
I feel kind of lost and stuff.
I really don't know what to do now.
Very.. directionless and kind of tired of this.
I have no idea what to think, or what to feel.
This is leading me nowhere.
I keep thinking it's kind of pointless but.
I don't know.
I really don't know.
We'll see.
Maybe I kind of get it.
Maybe I don't.
I don't know why people persist in mistakes they know they're committing.
Although that doesn't exclude me.
2 lefts doesn't make 1 right.
I'd love to stop this bleeding.
11:16 PM; `dead.Y
It's 1.45 A.M. in the morning.
And I just played the piano for two hours straight.
Oh well.
I'd love to stop this delusion.
1:45 AM; `dead.Y
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Cover it up.
Cover everything up.
Masquerade.
I'd love to be good at it, too.
11:27 PM; `dead.Y
Hmmm.
Oh well.
Nothing much happened today.
Ha, got to understand the feeling of what's playing until tired.
God, I just kept playing the piano until I got tired.
Like, I was sweating and stuff.
Haha, intensive stuff.
Ha then, I went to the hospital to accompany my friend.
Was there from... 8-11.
Hmm, got myself some ice-cream!
Yay.
Ran out of muffin though.
Ahhh, there goes Prince Muffin the 2nd and his minions.
The last one had some.. ants on it.
Eew.
Haha, had a peek at what you call 'Nursing Politics' .
Quite funny.
Oh, and..
Oh my gawd.
I just had some really sinful food.
I knew I'd regret, but I still did anyway.
Ha. Humans.
Ha, we're going to have some sort of a.. class gathering.
Because, we're going to get people to visit my friend!
Haha.
Hopefully it works out.
Hmm, I speak weird today.
But whatever.
I'd love to figure it out.
11:08 PM; `dead.Y
I'm like a sine graph.
But I'd rather it this way,
I don't need perfection.
I'd love to stop a deadly addiction.
4:27 PM; `dead.Y
Hmm.
I'm idealess.
Is there such an english word.
'll prolly go over to the hospital again.
I'm running out of songs to listen to!
God.
Y_Y.
Argh, was playing the piano just now.
I'm freakin' hopeless.
What crap.
My hands just won't listen to me.
Oh whatever.
I'll get by.
Hmm, I'm really idealess.
I'd love to come up with more ideas.
12:16 PM; `dead.Y
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Ahh, hmm.
Was almost out the wholeee day.
Went to the hospital to check my friend out.
Hmm, someone prolly knows this already but, whatever.
My friend, poor thing ha.
He.. kind of crushed his right index finger during training in Taiwan.
MG problem.
Oh well, how unlucky.
He needs skin graft and stuff, and his finger is all bundled up.
And..
I went to my cousin's piano lesson today!
Haha, his piano teacher, is damn nice!
Yayness.
We talked a bit about prices, and my piano standards.
Oh my gawd.
Then she tested me a bit.
It was quite bad, 'cos I was quite stressed also.
Gave me some aural tests, a bit of sight reading and stuff.
My sight reading sucks.
But she said I still had a bit of standard, so phew.
But still, I'm quite bad, I'd admit.
Ha.
Okay, so I've kind of decided to take her lessons, but I still got to tell my mom.
Oh well.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.. I think that's all for now.
Catch you later.
I'd love to scream at the top of my lungs, sometimes.
9:53 PM; `dead.Y
Morning.
Uhhh, I guess I fell asleep.
Ah well.
Hmm.
Yay, I'm going for my cousin's piano lesson!
Just going to observe, see how.
Ask about prices and stuff.
Hopefully, stuff goes well.
Ha.
Hmmm.
Okay.
What else.
Muffins.
<3
No cereals!
's been quite long since I had cereals.
Okay I'm happy.
<3
I'd love to..hmm.shush shush!
12:01 PM; `dead.Y
Hmm, it's late at night,
when the shadows dance,
when the shadows sing.
Okay, this is so random.
But I'm boredddd!
Okay, thanks for reading.
Bye.
I'd love to crayon my dreams, too.
2:31 AM; `dead.Y
Monday, September 24, 2007
Oh well,
hello.
I know I've stopped blogging for a bit of time,
due to.. some stupid reasons.
And I can't really type that well with two hands now.
That's because my hands aren't back to normal, yet.
But hey, I can almost, almost, play the piano normally again.
So yeah.
Hmm.
It still hurts a bit, but never mind.
A lot of stuff happened these days, so much so, I don't know what to say.
One by one, maybe.
Oh well.
I started ignoring someone,
for a sound but maybe stupid reason.
Hmm, watched too much teevee.
But hey.. it could've worked out.
Oh well, whatever.
Blame me for being undetermined.
Maybe, it's better now.
Because I've stopped doing that.
Ahhhh !#$%&%
I don't know what to say.
Okie, I'm bad at words.
Okay.. that's one.
Two..
I play tons of piano these days, but it's nothing big.
This is probably the 38423949583450450th time I'm saying this.
So yeah.
Okay.. that's two.
Three.
Hmmm.
Shortly after my surgery, my grandmother got admitted to the hospital.
Oh well, she was fine at first.
But still, I visited her regularly.
Yeah, a bit of shortness of breath and stuff, other than that..
Still okay.
Sounds okay?
Not.
Then.. we went to see her again.
She was better than usual.
She was able to sit up, talk rot, laugh and stuff.
Then, on that same day, she fell unconscious for some unknown reason.
Yayness.
It was quite bad, so I visited her everyday, and tried to give her what she needed.
She was quite groggy, couldn't eat, can't go to the toilet and stuff.
Hmm, I wasn't the only one of course.
My aunts and uncles were there to take care of her too.
The doc didn't know what's wrong with her and gave her tons of scans and stuff.
So.. in the end, they found out she had stroke.
And.. it was affecting her major brain parts and stuff.
So.. the doc was quite frank, he told us her chances of recovery was practically 0% and stuff.
Yeah, and a lot of other stuff.
Then, after a few days.
She was just.. gone.
I.. wasn't really super super close to her.
But.. she really kind of took good care of me when she was alive.
Her cooking was great.
And I'd always remember how she'd hold my hand very tightly,
whenever we crossed roads when I was younger.
It was so tight, it hurt.
But I guess that's how I remember her.
Cried some.
But stopped after a day.
She kind of looked like she was sleeping when she went, so it was good.
The next day she was smiling, I'm positive.
Oh well, there're always stuff you can't explain.
I had to do some stuff during the funeral, because I was like the son of the eldest son.
Unfortunately, it also reminded me how I disliked the cousins from my father's side.
Oh well, I didn't really get along well with them.
So yeah.
Okay.. that's three.
Hmm, anything else.
Hmm, I'm quite happy I did what I did yesteday.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I hope I made the right choice.
Well, would've said more.
But I'll leave it for later.
I'm off.
To a question long ago, I'd love to say, forever.
10:13 PM; `dead.Y
I'm supposed to update.
Blah, a lot of stuff happened these days.
I'll.. prolly talk more about this later.
=X
I guess it's for a little while.
I'd love to say.. 9'13 1915181825.
9:32 PM; `dead.Y
Sunday, September 9, 2007
This post isn't so reserved anymore.
You were right.
No longer a need to write.
To scribble thoughts, to paint fleeting memories we try so hard not to forget.
At least for me.
I wonder if you'll see this, if you'll bother.
I've learnt a couple of stuff these days.
It was by chance, but I guess it's how fate hide its messages.
To tell me what to do ever so subtly.
But I'll appreciate it, because I got its message.
I don't know if it applies, but.
Regardless of whether you're still there,
it's the same.
So, thanks for the truth.
Perhaps, I wasn't important enough.
At least, the memories were beautiful enough.
I'll get used to it, like playing the piano with just one hand.
It used to be like that anyway.
It's okay, because I'll keep playing.
Even though, it's not complete.
But it doesn't matter that much anymore, anyway.
And, I guess it's better this way.
I hope I'm lying, but I know I'm not.
So, goodbye.
Maybe for a little while.
Maybe forever.
I'd love to love you, but I know I couldn't.
So, I've stopped.
So be happy.
It isn't really that broken anyway.
12:00 AM; `dead.Y
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Maybe not.
I know I wasn't why you'd smile,
I know I wasn't why you cried.
12:00 AM; `dead.Y
Monday, September 3, 2007
An english lesson, for you.
Past participles,
i.e. see, saw, seen.
Throw, threw, thrown.
Ring, rang, rung.
Last, but not least,
ping, pong, piang.
I saw a lot of stuff today.
Today, I saw a couple wearing raincoats,
looking at the raindrops,
because it was raining.
But I could only look.
Today, I saw this girl who was mute,
and she was talking to him in sign language.
He understands.
But I couldn't, because I didn't learn.
Today, I saw this girl crying alone.
At least she had something to begin with.
But I guess that's why there was so much pain.
Today, I saw this boy walking alone in the rain.
He was shivering, but I couldn't see so clearly.
Maybe it was because the rain was quite strong.
Maybe.
But still, I saw nothing.
8:52 PM; `dead.Y
It says at the third heart.
So where were the memories,
far away?
Tempting, isn't it.
4:22 PM; `dead.Y
I should watch the TV more instead of playing games.
It's raining again.
Which is nice.
Aside from the fact that you have to walk in it alone, feeling cold at the same time.
I went to the hospital this morning.
Did some physio and had my dressing changed.
Apparently, there was quite a lot of blood.
But whatever.
The exercise was rather simple, but still painful.
I thought it was the pain and sling that kept me from raising my arm,
but it turned out that there wasn't any strength at all for me to do so.
What was it I was gonna say again?
Well, forgot.
Forgetful me.
Maybe I'll ask tomorrow.
From what?
2:58 PM; `dead.Y
Slept at 9 yesterday.
Nothing to do anyway,
so I had to try sleeping ridiculously early for once.
It didn't work out, I woke up at 4+ and couldn't go back to sleep.
But it was also mainly because of this weird squeaky sound that seemed to come from nowhere.
Then there was this sound of something hitting the metal railing or some sort
It was quite loud, so yeah.
I took to reading some stuff before I could get to sleep again.
I wasn't even tired, I mean, I slept at 9.
Might as well, there was nothing for me to do.
No one for me to talk to, and no one would talk to me.
So sleep lor.
Oh, before I woke up at 4+, I had this very weird but very very nice dream.
But it was very weird.
I thought I wouldn't dream anymore.
But that was a stupid thought.
Because everyone dreams.
And when I got back to sleep at 5+, the dream continued, albeit in a slightly different way.
Like, completely weird.
But I kind of hoped I'd never wake up.
Serious.
It'll be better this way anyway.
Well, nothing else for now.
Maybe I should stop blogging already, but I can't stop it!
Nevermind, I can always try.
I'd love to stay there, and never wake up.
Even though, they may be shattered.
8:29 AM; `dead.Y
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Lollipops are a simple sweetness,
as with the drizzle outside the windowpanes now.
Was watching TeeVee again.
Though it was a lame show,
I learnt something.
And it made me realise how closed I've been.
Living in my own world,
with my own perception of how this world works.
It doesn't necessarily mean that I will change, but at least I can see.
That I was stupid to think in a certain way I did.
But it's okay.
It's a 'lil late, but it's okay.
I was thinking, to have a piece of music named after you,
you'd need to have a very special name.
I was thinking about my own name, but got quite disappointed.
Haha.
Then I thought of someone else with a very special name.
I'd love the simplicity, those tears of beauty, and...
7:33 PM; `dead.Y
She was playing this alone.
This melody, named after her.
I'd love not to.
2:22 PM; `dead.Y
Was watching the TV.
A character said something someone had told me before.
So, I see now.
Quite right, judging from the context.
Sometimes, I wonder, has this blog become my poison.
But it's okay, because it's my mouth, because it can't wear a mask, like I can.
Someone asked me before about trust.
For now, it's only myself and the piano.
Nothing much has happened these days, so I won't write long,
or blog much.
See how it goes.
Even if it's playing singlehandedly, it's okay.
Maybe.
I'd love to be this voodoo doll.
12:33 PM; `dead.Y
Slowly, it goes back to square one.
Doesn't it.
When songs were memories.
And they were all I had.
I was naive to think otherwise.
Sometimes, I try hard to feel something, but I couldn't.
Sometimes, I become jealous.
I'm sorry, but I don't know how this works.
Sometimes, I wonder what would people who read my blog think,
because only I could understand what I wrote.
Must've been irritating.
Yeah, they were all I had.
You don't have to force yourself to, if you don't want to.
It doesn't really matter anymore.
I'd love to stop crying, too.
But there isn't anyone to make me smile.
12:23 AM; `dead.Y
Saturday, September 1, 2007
IWATGAWWYWG.
I think.
So why not.
IDKWIWYB.
IJSDN.
MILTOY.
Maybe I'll forget what they meant, in the near future.
It'll be better this way anyway.
INJMAY,BTSQT.
Makes sense doesn't it.
I'd love to break this painful silence.
11:53 PM; `dead.Y
Not a very good morning.
Not a very good weekend either.
As usual.
This is so tiring.
Everything.
I wish I could be like that.
Because forgetting is a bliss.
There aren't any obligations to fulfill, because I've forgotten them all.
Now, isn't that good.
I wonder.
I'd love to forget, too.
11:38 AM; `dead.Y