Hello.
Had a gruelling week.
Mentally, physically.
I don't know what to say suddenly.
It's weird you had to know this way.
And how you'd want to know why.
You were right, I probably spammed the other time because I was afraid I'd say the wrong stuff.
I had always been fearful, lying to myself.
I was afraid I'd behave differently.
I was afraid you'd see me differently, treat me differently,
or disappear altogether again.
I was afraid.
Afraid.
Afraid.
Afraid.
But I couldn't bring myself to lie.
I promised that, at least to myself.
I had a nightmare about you. Again.
It was so real, so scary, so vivid.
I recall, I was shouting, screaming, frantic, hysterical,
and maybe, crying.
I was almost crying when I woke up, I was so afraid, fearful of what I'd dreamt.
Yet so relieved that it was just a dream.
I'd rather not dream again, it hurts so much.
Sometimes, I'd have to constantly remind myself.
"I'm just a friend."
"I'm just a friend."
"I'm just a friend."
And sometimes, it becomes painful.
I never told you these before, but I guess I can only say these here.
You're the only person I've been so frank with.
But really, I guess, all these doesn't really matter.
I hope you don't feel sad that I feel like this, because it's really okay.
As long as you're happy, nothing really ever matters.
It's true.
Don't get the wrong idea, that loving you is painful.
It's wonderful, really.
Oh my, I used that word.
Haha.
But I can't be too greedy.
So all I can say is that I'm contented with what I have now.
At least, I think so.
If there was God, He would have done me a great favour.
Gosh, I should stop.
I'm crying.
Ha.
And, I'd still say, don't say sorry for what you've done.
There was nothing ever wrong with it.
Follow what you had to, or you think you'd have to do.
I never blamed you.
And, yes, you can continue to, so to speak, write in my blog.
I don't mind.
I'd love you to hear this, someday.